PONGO POETRY | Dark Colors

by a young person at CSTC

In my life, I've known Courage.
We met when I was scared and I decided to work through it.
Like when I came to CSTC for the first time.
My coping skills got me through the scary times. 

Nowadays Courage is coming and going.
Sometimes it comes to me.
Sometimes it isn't there when I need it. 

I find Courage when I'm alone and
When I am in a bad moment
And when I'm scared. 

In my life, I've known Fear.
We met when I smashed my mom's perfume
And I cut my foot on the glass.
I thought I was gonna die. 

These days Fear is always around me
And sending my heart racing.
Fear finds me when my brain is mad at me. 

I've learned that Courage and Fear are different—
When Fear tells me, "You're not gonna make it,"
Courage tells Fear to shut up and listen to your gut. 

I wish I could control when Fear and Courage come
But I will never be able to
And that's okay.

by a young person at CSTC

When I woke up
I saw grey
And black
Nothing was happy

It was dark grey
Like pencil lead
Black like the middle of the night

I felt no more joy
Like happiness was my enemy

I walked out my door
To see nothing
Nothing happy
Nothing I wanted

There was no life
No sound
Just sadness

I turned around
and there was nothing there 

I thought my body was at war
with sadness
but wasn't working hard enough

I felt the sense I wanted to run
running to where I could see color 

The color of the sunset was gone
Reds, yellows, and oranges gone
like they got deleted
and lost forever 

I thought I saw a dog
trying to be happy over the greyness

I feel happiness rising
I am starting to see the sunset rising
I see color again
The grass started to turn green
I feel joy

The trees got their beautiful brown back
and the leaves got their green

Life was coming back
My house appeared
Everything inside was waiting
like nothing happened

I felt better

by a young person at CSTC

I look in the mirror, a plastic bottle floating in the ocean is my reflection
First glance, people misjudge me, "Oh, it shouldn't be there"
"It's going to harm something"
They throw me away, or disregard me altogether
Think I didn't have a choice where I ended up
Maybe whoever put me there didn't have a choice either
They couldn't pay to have me
Well even though I'm not "good" to your standards doesn't mean I can't help
I gave someone whose only source of money is to pick up trash
an extra $1, which goes a long way
I can be recycled, made into something useful,
a table, chairs, the bottle you might be drinking from
I always wondered what my parents thought about me, what they said when I wasn't there
Did I embarrass them with how much of their budget was spent on me?
Well, I have the answer: They don't care about money, they don't think I embarrass them,
and if you're reading this and wondering about the same question,
chances are whoever you're living with doesn't think about you too much

Pongo Poetry Project's mission is to engage youth in writing poetry to inspire healing and growth. For over 20 years, Pongo has mentored poetry with children at the Child Study Treatment Center (CSTC), the only state-run psychiatric hospital for youth in Washington State. Many CSTC youth are coping with severe emotional, behavioral, and mental health challenges. Approximately 40% of youth arrive at CSTC having been court ordered to get treatment; however, by the end of their stay, most youth residents become voluntary participants. 

Pongo believes there is power in creative expression, and articulating one's pain to an empathetic audience. Through this special monthly column in partnership with the South Seattle Emerald, Pongo invites readers to bear witness to the pain, resilience, and creative capacity of youth whose voices and perspectives are too often relegated to the periphery. To learn more about Pongo's work and how you can partner with it in inspiring healing and relief in youth coping with mental and emotional turmoil, register for its upcoming Ignite Pongo training.