PONGO POETRY | A Cold Sun

by a young person at CSTC

Were you there?

Were you there when I lost one of my teeth?
Were you there when I made a friend?
Were you there when I finished my blueprints of the stuff I like to build?

Where were you when I got hurt?
How long are you going to be gone?
Will I miss anything?

Where are you?

I dedicate this poem to my mom and dad

by a young person at CSTC

Hey Dad,
It's me.

I want you to know that I forgive you.
For all the times you made me cry.
For every time you yelled at me.
For the times you scared me. 

I hope you and your new kids
Are happy with the life you have.
I like to think you haven't forgotten about me
Even though it may not be true.

I don't know if you know this, but I'm sixteen.
I changed my name.
It might be a different name soon.

I want you there when I graduate from high school.
I want you there with me when I walk down the aisle of my wedding.
You mean so much to me
But I mean so little to you.
And that's fine.
You keep living your life and I'll live mine.

Oh! T* has just finished college.
She will be able to start teaching in two years.
And she is still with B*.
They are now living together
And will move close to Mom.
And I'm pansexual —
I love people based on their personality
Not their gender or looks.

One last thing:
I love you.

*Names redacted to protect youth confidentiality.

by a young person at CSTC

To my biomom:

You took everything
I needed
and never gave it
back

I needed affection
but you only
hit me

I needed nurture
but you neglected
me

I needed love
but you made it so
I couldn't even love
myself

I needed education
but you wouldn't let
me leave
the house

I needed safety
but you let my siblings
go
unsupervised

I needed comfort
but you caused me
to hide
in my room

I needed friends
but you
isolated me

I needed a mom
but you
wouldn't even
give
that
to
me

you were supposed
to be
my sun
yet I am
still
so
Cold.

Pongo Poetry Project's mission is to engage youth in writing poetry to inspire healing and growth. For over 20 years, Pongo has mentored poetry with children at the Child Study Treatment Center (CSTC), the only state-run psychiatric hospital for youth in Washington State. Many CSTC youth are coping with severe emotional, behavioral, and mental health challenges. Approximately 40% of youth arrive at CSTC having been court ordered to get treatment; however, by the end of their stay, most youth residents become voluntary participants. 

Pongo believes there is power in creative expression, and articulating one's pain to an empathetic audience. Through this special monthly column in partnership with the South Seattle Emerald, Pongo invites readers to bear witness to the pain, resilience, and creative capacity of youth whose voices and perspectives are too often relegated to the periphery. To learn more about how Pongo inspires healing and relief in youth coping with mental and emotional turmoil, register for "What Words Can Hold," its fall community poetry writing night!