Dear The Beauster: I'm a 30 Year Old Who Knows Too Much About His Mom's Love Life

by Beau Hebert

Dear The Beauster,

I'm a 30 year old who has currently moved back into my mom's house in Skyway. She and my father have been divorced for years and she has a pretty active love life. I wouldn't mind it that much, except she and her gentlemen friends are pretty loud when they're doing "the deed." It would be bad enough if this was a roommate, but it's my mom!!! How in the world do I have this conversation with her?

Sincerely,

Disturbed by Mom's Moaning & Groaning

Dear D by M's M-ing & G-ing

Huh.

This is an interesting situation. Although hearing one's mother in the throes of sexual passion may be cringingly uncomfortable, it is her house. Moreover, you would not presently exist to be made uncomfortable by your mother's lusty grunts if similar grunts hadn't been grunted in the procreative act that gave you life some thirty years and nine months ago. Could you somehow regard those sounds as an aural "Throw back Thursday" kind of thing that takes you back to the era of your earliest childhood?

No…I didn't think that would work. The next move is to FIX the space, and when I say "FIX" I mean it in the veterinarian sense of the word: spay and/or neuter the household. Create an environment in which Mae West would opt for a game of Scrabble over a roll in the hay and Warren Beatty would prefer a bowl of Grape Nuts over groped nuts, an environment in which male praying mantises live free from the fear of post-coital cannibalization by their mates. We're talking early Kraftwerk on the stereo, Elmo wallpaper in the entryway, the burning of Muenster cheese-scented incense and the Jerry Lewis Telethon on TV. That copy of 50 Shades of Gray on the coffee table? Replace it with Alexander Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago. In fact, replace every book in the house with a copy of Alexander Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago — now things are getting flaccid!

If these efforts fail to muzzle the moaning and groaning, I advise you to go out and buy yourself a great set of headphones and get cracking on your own intimate life so you won't be so fixated on your mum's.

Prescription from the pharmacy at Jude's Old Town: An Alka Seltzer dropped into a Long Island Iced Tea with a pair of ear plugs back.

Overheard at the bar: "Some people treat their bodies like a temple. I prefer to treat mine like an amusement park ride.

Beau Hebert is owner and head bartender of Jude's Old Town in Rainier Beach.